How to Divorce a Narcissist
When you are married to a narcissist, it can feel as if there isn’t a way out of the relationship. There is always a way out, and in this blog, our divorce solicitors look at your best options if you want to divorce a narcissist.
Call Evolve Family Law for specialist family law advice or complete our online enquiry form.
Can I divorce a narcissist?
When you are married to a narcissist and subject to constant belittlement, it can be hard to contemplate feeling empowered enough to start divorce proceedings, especially if you are told by your husband, wife or civil partner that you can’t leave and you can’t get divorced.
You can divorce your spouse by starting no-fault divorce proceedings. Although your spouse may not want you to leave or to start divorce proceedings, the reality is that they cannot oppose a no-fault divorce. Our divorce lawyers provide legal advice on no-fault divorce and, in most cases, offer fixed-fee divorce services.
Narcissists’ threats about what will happen if you start divorce proceedings
Often, the question isn’t about whether you can start divorce proceedings against a narcissist, but whether their threats that you will ‘walk away with nothing’ or ‘you won’t see the children again’ are realistic.
As specialist Northwest divorce solicitors, we find that many people who are married to spouses with narcissistic personality disorders wait a long time before taking legal advice because their partners have told them that divorce proceedings will result in them losing custody of their children or not having enough money to look after themselves and the children. That is very rarely true, but it is hard to believe that your divorce lawyer is right when the person you are married to is so adamant in their beliefs.
Tips on divorcing a narcissist
The first steps in divorcing a narcissist are:
- Recognising the problem – that is harder than you may think if you have been subject to demeaning comments for years and lost a lot of your confidence.
- Get help – that can be from your GP, a counsellor, friend or family member – it is important to have emotional and practical help if you are getting divorced and especially if you are divorcing a narcissist.
- Take legal advice – an expert divorce solicitor can help reassure you about your legal rights and give you an idea of the likely financial settlement and the childcare arrangements for your children, so that you have the confidence to decide whether you want to start divorce proceedings.
- Focus on what is important to you – if you have been living with a narcissist, it is hard to gain the confidence and determination to start divorce proceedings. That’s why it is essential to focus on why you are doing it. For example, your motivation may be not wanting your children to be affected by your partner’s narcissistic personality disorder, or you not wanting to be in the same position in ten or more years. Remember, what is important to you is the crucial point. That means you should not substitute the views of friends or family for the control imposed on you by your narcissistic partner, as you need to look at what’s best for you.
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Fears about divorcing a narcissist
If you are married to someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, you may worry about whether to mention the full extent of your partner’s behaviour to your divorce solicitor. The reluctance to be fully open with your divorce lawyer can be due to:
- Embarrassment.
- Fear that you won’t be believed.
- Worry that you will be thought to be the one with the ‘problem’.
- Concern that your partner will react badly if they think that you have said things about them.
- Thinking that it is pointless to say anything about your partner’s behaviour, as it won’t make any difference.
- Your partner’s belief that they are brilliant and exceptional and, of course, always in the right.
- Your partner’s belief that you are in the wrong and worthless in comparison to them, so your views and feelings don’t count.
- Extreme reactions if you or anyone else questions your partner’s sense of self-importance or entitlement.
A narcissist is a challenge for anyone who lives with them, as well as for divorce solicitors and the family court. That’s why it is essential that you instruct a divorce solicitor with experience of dealing with those with narcissistic personality disorders, and that you tell your divorce lawyer about the extent of the issues you’ve faced so they can help you.
Tell your divorce solicitor if your spouse has a narcissistic personality disorder
You may not think that it matters whether your divorce solicitor knows about your partner’s narcissistic personality disorder traits, but it is essential because:
- If you have children, then your partner’s narcissistic personality may be affecting the children and even influencing how they treat you, as they are so used to seeing you belittled by your partner. That may influence your solicitor’s advice on the best child care arrangements to suit you and your circumstances and to reduce ongoing emotional harm to your children.
- If your partner is a narcissistic person, then family mediation is unlikely to be a sensible option to try to resolve financial or child care matters, as your partner won’t listen to anyone’s views other than their own, so you’d be better using either family arbitration or court proceedings to reach an enforceable decision.
- If your partner exerts coercive and controlling behaviour, then you may want to minimise future financial links with them. This could, for example, involve agreeing to a clean break financial court order rather than ongoing spousal maintenance, so you get additional capital rather than having to rely on your former partner paying regular spousal maintenance payments to you.
- If your partner is abusive, you may need the protection of an injunction order or a child arrangement order to protect you and the children.
How can Evolve Family Law help me?
At Evolve Family Law, our divorce solicitors will be very honest with you and tell you that they know, from experience, that starting divorce proceedings against someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is hard. You’ll therefore need all the help and expert support you can get. A narcissistic person needs to feel that they are in control and the winner. That may mean you have to start financial court proceedings to get financial disclosure from your partner and get a fair financial court order, or it may mean you need a child arrangement order to restrict their contact with the children or an injunction order to stop the coercion and domestic abuse.
Our specialist divorce solicitors are not only experienced in securing these types of orders but are also adept at finding a way through divorce proceedings involving a partner with narcissistic personality traits.
Call Evolve Family Law for specialist family law advice or complete our online enquiry form.
