Leaving an Abusive Partner

Any separation or divorce is a painful process, but it can be challenging when you are leaving an abusive partner. At Evolve Family Law, our divorce solicitors have experience in helping people separating from abusive partners.

Call Evolve Family Law or complete our online enquiry form.

Deciding to leave an abusive partner

It is difficult to decide to leave a husband, wife or partner. People often think that the decision to separate is easy if you are leaving an abusive partner, as ending the relationship is the ‘obvious’ thing to do. As specialist divorce lawyers helping those involved in abusive relationships, our solicitors know that it is no easier to leave an abusive partner than it is to leave a caring and kind partner, where the relationship is at an end because the couple have drifted apart.

There is help available to decide whether ending a relationship is the right thing for you. Counsellors, therapists and domestic violence charities all offer a sounding board. Family and friends can also be a good source of support if they are good listeners and able to let you make your own decision. A divorce lawyer can give you the legal information you need before you decide to leave your partner.

How do you leave an abusive partner?

You may think the answer to the question ‘how do you leave an abusive partner?’ is obvious – you get up and leave. However, Cheshire divorce solicitors who work with people in abusive relationships know that it isn’t as easy as that. If you are in an abusive relationship, it is particularly important to plan your departure to make sure you and your children are safe.

Here are our divorce solicitors’ tips on how to leave an abusive partner:

Get help and support – the support can be from friends, family, your doctor or counsellor, the police, a domestic violence agency or another source.
Have an escape plan – if you are leaving a partner, it is normal to discuss why the relationship hasn’t worked out and why you are either leaving or want them to go. If you are leaving an abusive partner, it may not be safe to have that discussion. You may either need to leave without telling them about your plans or where you are going, or you may need injunction orders to protect you.
Be practical – if you are making phone calls or using the internet, or you or the children are posting things on Facebook, think about whether your abusive partner will be able to trace you from those activities. If you are planning on leaving, think about what you will need to take with you to avoid returning for essential items. If the children are in school, make sure teachers know why you may need to collect the children early or arrange for someone else to do so.
Protect yourself – if you are at immediate risk, then don’t follow any escape plan but get immediate help from the police. If you are not at immediate risk but are worried about your safety, then speak to a divorce solicitor about getting emergency injunction orders (called non-molestation and occupation orders) or children orders (called child arrangements orders or prohibited steps orders) to safeguard your children.
Take legal advice – ideally, you should take legal advice before you leave an abusive partner so that you know where you stand legally and whether, for example, you can make them leave the family home, if you can change the locks, stop contact or get interim financial support.
Be strong – you may think that you are not strong enough to leave or to withstand the pressure from your partner to return or their attempts to find you and exact revenge because you left. Leaving isn’t always the easy option, and that is why you may need support to stay strong.

Is my partner abusive?

You may think that the question ‘Is my partner abusive?’ should have a straightforward answer. However, it isn’t uncommon for those leaving abusive relationships not to recognise their partner’s behaviour as abuse. That can be for a variety of reasons, such as:

You understandably don’t want to be a victim of abuse, and so minimise your partner’s behaviour.
You have a narrow view of what amounts to abusive behaviour because you have been coached into thinking that psychological abuse or coercive and controlling behaviour is not abusive.
You have been told that your partner’s behaviour is normal or that it only occurs because of your demands.
Your partner isn’t abusive to the children, so it must be your behaviour that is at fault and not that of your partner.

Most injunction lawyers understand why a victim does not see their spouse’s behaviour as abusive during the relationship, and therefore why it is so hard for the victim to recognise their spouse’s behaviour as abuse when they separate from their abusive partner. If you have been told repeatedly that you are ‘mental’ or the one with the ‘problem’, it is all too easy to get sucked into believing that the abuse only occurs because your partner cares about you.

What is domestic abuse?

The definition of domestic abuse is extensive. Nowadays, courts and divorce lawyers recognise that abuse in a relationship isn’t limited to physical assaults. Domestic abuse includes:

Verbal and emotional abuse, such as belittling you or telling you that you are mentally unwell or not a fit parent.
Financial control, such as withholding money from you, so you are reliant on your partner.
Intimidation and mind games, such as telling you that they will kill themselves or leave their job, so you will end up with nothing but guilt if you leave.
Exercising coercion and control, such as not letting you see your family or being unwilling to let you go out to work or to have a bank account.

There are numerous examples of what amounts to abusive behaviour in a relationship. Sometimes it takes talking to a friend, counsellor or divorce solicitor about your relationship to recognise the behaviour for what it is and to start to acknowledge the physical and emotional impact of your partner’s abusive behaviour on you.

If you are contemplating leaving an abusive partner, the number one priority is to make sure that you are safe and are empowered to do so. It is stressful leaving any relationship, but if your partner is abusive, the physical departure can be a dangerous trigger point unless handled carefully. Just as importantly, if you have been in an abusive relationship for a long time, it can be easy to succumb to promises of change or being told that you can’t leave because you won’t be able to take the children with you, or you won’t get a penny.

It can feel as if there is no escape from an abusive partner, but that isn’t the case. With emotional and legal support, you can leave an abusive partner safely and rebuild your life.

Getting help with an abusive partner

When you live with an abusive partner, it is hard to reach out and ask for help. That can be down to feelings of embarrassment or because you love your partner and want to stay in the relationship, but want the abuse to stop. Divorce lawyers find it is often the case that those in abusive relationships are too frightened to speak out and ask for help, as they fear what will happen if they do. That is understandable, as the last thing that you or they want is for your situation to be any worse than it is.

If you are worried about seeing a divorce solicitor, then you can come to a meeting to discuss leaving an abusive partner with a friend or member of your family. They can help give you the courage to go, but remember that whilst friends and family can offer emotional and practical support, the decision to leave must come from you.

If you don’t have friends or family to support you (or would be worried about things getting back to your partner), many supportive organisations and charities are there to help with information and advice, as well as individuals, such as your GP or a counsellor, who can support you in your decision to leave your abusive partner.

Call Evolve Family Law or complete our online enquiry form.

Divorcing an abusive partner

You do not need to refer to your partner’s behaviour to obtain a divorce. With the introduction of no-fault divorce proceedings, all you need to do is file an application saying that you think the marriage has irretrievably broken down. Even if your spouse does not share your view, they cannot oppose your divorce application.

In the divorce proceedings, you will need a divorce solicitor who can stand up to your partner, ensure that you and your children get the legal protection you need, and help you make your own decisions about what you want.

Children and leaving an abusive partner

It isn’t unusual for divorce lawyers to be told that someone has stayed in an abusive relationship for years, for the sake of the children. That can be down to a whole variety of factors, such as:

Your abusive partner has told you that they will get custody of the children, and they won’t let you see the children because they will turn the children against you.
You think that you would have to leave the family home, and you are worried that this will affect the children.
The children love their other parent, and you don’t want them to grow up in a single-parent family.
The timing to separate isn’t right because of a child’s exams or the start of primary or secondary school.

The research into children and separation and divorce shows that:

Children are remarkably resilient.
Often, children know when there is something wrong with their parents’ relationship. Although the children may not have seen any domestic violence or physical assaults, because you have protected them, they can still pick up on the vibe in the household and be emotionally affected by it.
Children prefer to live in two households rather than have their parents living together in an abusive relationship with a toxic atmosphere.

Child arrangement orders when leaving an abusive partner

It is natural to feel very anxious about childcare arrangements if you are planning to leave an abusive partner. The priority is to ensure that you and the children are safe from any domestic violence (or the children witnessing it), so injunction applications can be made to safeguard you and the children. In addition, you can apply for a child arrangements order. In an emergency, a child arrangements order can be made quickly to protect the children.

A child arrangement order can:

Say the children should live with you, on a short-term or long-term basis.
Set out whether the children should see your partner, and if so, whether the contact visits should take place in a supervised setting (for example, at a contact centre or in the presence of a member of your family or a trusted friend) and spell out the safe handover and collection arrangements.

Abuse allegations and child arrangement order applications

If you and your abusive partner need to go to court to sort out the child care arrangements, it is essential that:

Your husband or wife’s abusive behaviour and its impact on you and the children is explained by your solicitor as part of the court process; and
The court looks at whether a finding of fact hearing is needed to decide on the domestic abuse allegations before it makes orders under the Children Act.

If a finding of abuse is made, then the court should only make a child arrangements order and contact with the abusive parent if the court believes that the physical and emotional safety of you and your children can be protected before, during and after the contact.

Many divorcing partners are adamant that they want their children to see their other parent, even though there has been abuse within the relationship. That is because they want their children to have a relationship with both parents. If you are satisfied that the children will be safe during contact, then it is essential to ensure that you are also safe during the handover of the children for contact. For example, you may not want your abusive partner coming to the house to collect the children, but would prefer a neutral handover where there is less chance that your partner will ‘kick off’ or say anything that will upset the children.

Leaving an abusive partner and getting a financial settlement

It is natural to worry that even if you are safely able to leave an abusive partner, they will make sure that you ‘end up with nothing’. Divorce solicitors are experts in making sure that not only are you protected from an abusive partner, but that you also receive a fair financial settlement and that you are not bullied or coerced into accepting less than you need or are entitled to.

Your lawyer can either negotiate with your ex-partner or start financial court proceedings. Whether you negotiate or start court proceedings, the important thing is that you have a solicitor on your side, making sure:

You have the information and financial disclosure orders necessary to make financial decisions.
Any financial settlement is reality tested to make sure that the financial court order meets your needs and is capable of enforcement if your partner remains difficult and uncooperative.

Legal help with an abusive partner

Abusive partners tend to be bullies and don’t want or like anyone standing up to them. Courts don’t like bullies, so whether you are being physically assaulted, emotionally abused or financially controlled, there is help available from divorce solicitors and the family court to:

Protect you through the making of non-molestation and occupation injunction orders.
Financially protect you through the making of child support, spousal maintenance, property and pension orders and orders to enforce compliance if your abusive partner won’t comply with court orders.
Protect the family through child arrangement orders to ensure your children are safe.

Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly. We provide the expert divorce, children and financial settlement advice that you need when you are separating from an abusive partner and need someone on your side.

Call Evolve Family Law or complete our online enquiry form.

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