What Children Want From Shared Parenting

In this blog, Louise Halford, a family lawyer specialising in children’s law, examines what children want from shared parenting.

Call Evolve Family Law or complete our online enquiry form for children’s law advice.

What is shared parenting?

To some, shared parenting means equal parenting, where a child’s time is split equally between the two parental households. To the court and family lawyers, shared parenting is a more encompassing concept. A child can live with one parent under a child arrangement order but participate in a shared parenting arrangement because their other parent has contact and actively cares for them.

Take the case of two separated parents who parent 50/50 but don’t communicate with one another, unless they have no choice. The anger and animosity during their separation and in financial settlement negotiations meant their divorce was labelled as high-conflict. They are now engaged in shared parenting, but not in the spirit of it. Contrast their co-parenting with a Mother who has a child arrangement order and a child who lives with her 60% of the time. You may think that isn’t shared parenting, but the Dad is actively engaged in all important parental decision-making, and both parents communicate with one another to provide their child with consistent parenting and routines.

As a children lawyer, Louise Halford prefers to use the broad definition of shared parenting as that encapsulates what shared parenting should be. It should not relate to percentages or the hours spent with a child, but rather to sharing the job of being a parent and quality time.

The court’s approach to shared parenting

The court has moved away from weekend contact to an absent parent (traditionally the Dad), and nowadays, a child arrangement order with shared parenting is usual unless:

The parents engaged in a high-conflict divorce, or
There was domestic violence in the parental relationship, or
Child welfare reasons prevent shared parenting, or
The child is of an age to say that they do not want a shared parenting arrangement, or
Geographical reasons make shared parenting impractical.

Child welfare issues include factors such as parental alcohol or drug addiction, mental health, or other issues that lead the court to conclude that a shared parenting arrangement is not in the child’s best interests.

Shared parenting after a high-conflict divorce

It can be hard for separated or divorced parents to put aside their differences and focus on shared parenting. High conflict between parents can stem from:

One or both parents’ behaviour during the relationship.
One parent has met a new partner, and the other parent does not think the new partner is a good role model for their child.
Difficult financial settlement negotiations, or one parent is unhappy with the terms of a financial court order.
Unwanted interference from extended family or new partners.
Children focused on creating parental conflict as it suits their agenda to play one parent off against the other.

The consequences of high conflict in shared parenting

Some of the consequences of high-conflict divorce in shared parenting arrangements are:

The children don’t want to move between the two households as it is too emotionally draining.
Children are embarrassed by the parental conflict and don’t want their friends to witness it.
The children work hard to fit in and be the children their parents want them to be during their parenting time – the children lead a double life.
Children mask and pretend that the conflict between their parents isn’t affecting them.
Children act out because they are caught in the middle of a parental war.

Research on what children want from shared parenting

You would think it would be relatively easy to download the latest research on what children want from shared parenting and quote relevant chunks of data. However, it is far from easy.

A lot of internet searching led us to an article published in April 2015 in The International Journal of Children’s Rights, ‘’A qualitative synthesis of children’s experiences of shared care parenting arrangements post separation.’’

Data on children’s experiences of shared care parenting arrangements post-separation

The 2015 article in The International Journal of Children’s Rights pulls together international research on children’s experiences of shared cared parenting post-separation from studies conducted in various countries.

Here is a snippet from the article that references two of the research studies:

‘’The line that differentiates sole versus shared care is arbitrary, adult-construed, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the children involved. Rather than a binary legal argument, children consider multiple factors when assessing the parenting plan that may work best for them (Sadowski and McIntosh, in press; Whitehead, 2012). Participants across the studies seem to favour shared care when they were provided input into the decision-making process, when parents respect and integrate their feelings and concerns, when the parenting plan emphasised and maximised their time with both parents, and when the plan supported a continuous and meaningful relation- ship with both parents and their siblings post separation and divorce (Blackwell, 1992; Cashmore et al., 2010; Lodge and Alexander, 2010)’’.

In summary, the various research studies referred to in the article show:

Living arrangements with flexible contact between both parents were the preferred arrangement across studies.
Children appreciate the opportunity to see their other parent and the flexibility to visit their other home when needed.
Children appreciate shared care that provides them with a regular routine and a sense of being wanted by both parents.
Children prefer shared care when they were asked for their views on how shared care will work, and when parents respect their views and the plan allows for meaningful time with both parents.
Children appreciate shared parenting that allows for flexibility, enabling the plan to be adjusted to fit the child’s priorities and commitments.
Young adults sometimes prefer to have one home because they want to concentrate on school or find it hard to study in a parental household with younger half-siblings.
Children get frustrated when a parenting plan does not allow them to spend quality time with one parent.
Some children, especially when parents conflict with one another, find shared parenting difficult. Some children expressed a preference for stability and a regular routine.
The type of shared parenting arrangement has a significant impact on how it works for the child. Some children took the view that an alternating week schedule with each parent was too disruptive for them.
The children said that sharing their time between both parents did not weaken their sibling relationships or adversely impact their childhood friendships.

Lessons from the 2015 research

The research studies in the 2015 paper tell family lawyers what children want from shared parenting:

To be heard and to feel that they have a voice.
For parents to work together to make shared parenting work.
Parenting plans based on a child’s needs rather than a parent’s desire to have 50/50 time.
Flexible shared care to meet a child’s calendar of sports activities, friendships and commitments.
Shared care arrangements that adjust as children’s needs change over time.

One of the key points in the 2015 article was the importance of listening to the child. In one study, a child described attending a school event with both parents. To outsiders, it must have appeared to be a successful shared parenting arrangement. However, to the child, it was awful, as they recognised their parents’ body language and the fact that neither was prepared to speak to the other. The article highlights that what children want from shared parenting is the real thing: parents who can communicate and share parenting responsibilities between two households, rather than high-conflict parents pretending to engage in shared parenting.

Shared parenting legal advice

Parents may need help understanding how shared parenting affects their children when parenting styles conflict, there is a high level of parental conflict, or when practical issues, such as distances between parents’ homes, make shared parenting difficult to navigate.

It is equally important for parents to understand the impact of a shared care regime on the financial settlement and child support arrangements. Whilst money should not affect the decision on the type of parenting plan that meets the needs of your children, for most parents, the financial impact is a key consideration. Where parenting time is shared equally, the Child Maintenance Service rules say that no child support is payable, even if there is a significant income discrepancy. Those child maintenance rules can make it difficult for some parents to agree to a shared parenting regime, even in situations where they get along, unless the ex-spouse is willing to pay child maintenance voluntarily.

When parents are splitting up, it’s best to discuss openly with older children and the other parent the type of parenting arrangement that will best suit your family after your separation. Those discussions can take place jointly with the child, individually with each parent or with professional help. The help could come through a child-inclusive family mediation or family therapy.

At Evolve Family Law, our children’s law solicitors provide comprehensive legal advice, ensuring parents receive the support they need to understand the financial and practical implications of agreeing to a shared parenting arrangement. If an agreement cannot be reached, we can advise and represent you in an application for a child arrangement order.

Call Evolve Family Law or complete our online enquiry form for children’s law advice.

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